Forgiveness Hits Different
Man there are so many levels to this forgiveness thing. I thought I had mastered the subject of forgiveness. You know some people have hurt me, some have done me wrong, and some have even done some things I have deemed truly unforgivable, but all in all I forgave. I am not perfect and I need mercy and grace sometimes as well. I have hurt others and done some things that others may have deemed unforgivable. So if I want to be forgiven, I must extend forgiveness. This forgiveness thing is tricky. Often I feel like punching people in the face and be done, but God. I learned a long time ago that forgiveness is for me and not for the other person. Going through life with the sour patch face, blood boiling and and uneasiness just aint it. My peace is so worth it at the end of the day. And again God forgives me everyday for the constant slaps in the face I issue Him.
My self proclaimed title and trophy I awarded myself for mastering forgiveness was ripped from me recently. See I thought I had this forgiveness thing figured out. Like I let go of all the grudges I had. I forgave people who I thought I never would forgive. I wholeheartedly forgave. The saying I can forgive, but never forget had become my reality. I was living in it just fine and my dad happened. I wish I could say that I haven’t been down this road before with him, but I thought when we hit the dead end that was it. Boy was I wrong! It’s safe to say my dad has been disappointing me pretty much most of my life, but I was done living in the past. The past hurts, the past regrets, the past everything I can forgive just never forget. But, all that forgiveness came rushing back and hit me like a middle linebacker taking down a running back. It hurt, it hurt bad.
I thought that I finally had my dad back. Here’s a little back story, my dad had been in prison for a pretty large chunk of my life. When he was released last year, I thought I’d get back all those years I lost. I thought my kids would have their Paw Paw, but NOT! I can’t blame anyone but myself though cause how am I just gonna plan this man life for him? So quickly I had to get my mind right and forgive him and myself for that. But, here’s why all those feelings of unforgiveness came rushing in on me. My car stopped on me about three weeks ago. So, the little girl in me called her dad to the rescue. If you know my dad then you know the man is great with his hands. He can literally fix anything. So I asked him to come and see about my car. The alternator needed to be changed and he knew exactly what to do, but he detached my bumper from my car and ghosted me. I know absolutely nothing about cars and my husband is not very handy either, so I was depending on him. If he couldn’t do it I was prepared to take it to a shop, but he led me to believe that he had it all under control. Three weeks passed and I heard nothing from him. He wouldn’t answer my calls and even acted like he wasn’t home when I went to his house. Every memory of every disappointment came to mind. I was upset with myself for falling for this again. Thank God for the mechanic He sent my way and my car is up and running, but I still have this ill feeling towards my dad. I was at peace! I had really forgiven him, but now its like all the bandages have been ripped off of old wounds. I don’t want to feel this way and I’ve been praying everyday for God to help with this. That forgiveness hits different when you thought you were healed!
Forgiveness is a constant work and process. Have you ever felt like you had totally forgiven someone and then boom all those feelings come rushing back?
