I Am Not Okay
Right now I can't break out before I break down, because #Coronavirus. Sometimes we put on masks to hide the way we feel and in the end it only hurts ourselves. I promised myself I would never go back to that girl. I promised I would live in every moment. No matter how good or bad. So, today I'm checking in to say I am not okay. Fear of the unknown has my anxiety on 1000. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I mean none of us do. The “me” in me wants answers though. I'm a self proclaimed “fixer.” I’m creating solutions in my head that are probably going to help in NO WAY, but that’s what anxiety does to you. Now let me tell you this… the one thing I do know is God is good. My trust in Him still reigns but my mental state right now is BLAH!
Poor eating habits, lack of sleep, comsuming a heavy amount of social media and going crazy on everybody. That's what I’ve been up to. My thoughts are constantly running but nothing of substance is produced. My go to is usually my bible and my prayer journal and I haven't been able to unleash on them either.
Late night Oreos and cokes have been life. Once everyone goes to sleep I have a full on snack fest, but I leave no evidence. Could be worst I guess. I can’t sleep either 3 am, 4am and then I finally snooze off before my husband gets up for work at 5. Which means my cover isn’t blown I can stress alone.
With little to no sleep I still have to get up and act a normal being. I mean I am a parent. And these kids bruh - They always hungry, they always thirsty… it never ends. Oh and Listen man! Why is whining a thing? Like was that created to drive mamas insane? Like why can’t my child just tell me what she wants? Why can’t she just tell me what’s wrong. Wait a minute. I just relized that maybe I am doing the same exact thing. I can’t mouth how I feel…. I just feel. Honestly I don't know how I feel. Now I feel silly for being mad at her when I’m doing the exact same thing. -sighs-
With every passing day someone closer to me is diagnosed with COVID-19. and the killer is (no pun intended) more and more people are dying. Like not just people, but people I know. Like the ish is real. REAL, REAL! And the fact that people still think its a game annoys me! Like really yall!
I’m just going through alot as I’m sure many of you are. I’m trying to keep a structure and routine in my household, but honestly I’m over that too! Like of course I can't let my son slack in his school work, but I’m sure he's just as overwhelmed as I am. He misses school, he misses his friends. Life for him has been pushed into an indefiniteunknown. I need a break, he needs a break! We all need a break!
I’m not questioning God. There are some ups to this. Like the time I get to spend with my family, the down time I so desperately needed, a pause on the norm. That saying be careful what you pray for is definitely true. I just stopped by to tell you: I’m not okay and that’s okay! It's okay if you feel the same way too! Just breathe and remember our world is in disarray right now. You don't have to act as if it isn't. Do what you must to make sure you are taking care of you. If that means you stay in bed all day today, fine! If that means school work doesn't get done today, fine! Just don't wear that mask that says I’m okay and you're not. Because it’s okay to say, “I'm not okay.” And I said it first, so you are not alone! I’m praying with and for everyone in this time. Be safe and take care of you. To take care of me I am taking a break from blogging for just a week. So I won’t be posting any new content next week. So sorry guys, but this is a short break for me to place my focus elsewhere in my time of need. Take care of you and you can always check out my previous content.
