Dear Mama

I loss my mom 7 years ago. It’s hard to lose a loved one, especially your mom. There's nothing you can do to bring them back, but there are things that can help you carry on while you're still here. One thing I do to help me carry on is write letters to my mom. I decided to write this open letter in hopes that it'll help someone out there who's loss their mom or a loved one.

Dear Mama,

Tomorrow will make 7 years that I've had to carry on in life without you. I can't lie, it's been hard. Everyday I long for your presence, but in the same sense I'm so thankful that you are no longer suffering. So often I am reminded of the pain you went through. How I wished I could take your pain away, but there was nothing I could do about it and thst hurt me. I hated witnessing you face such trials. I was so scared when you slipped into that semi-comatose state. I thought I had loss you in that moment, but momentarily I had relief. Then a few days later that feeling I felt when you slipped came back. This time it was real. The breaths were different and then…. What seemed like a sigh of relief. Maybe that same relief I felt when I realized I still had you. Now here I am 7 years later and I’m still replaying that night in my head. I MISS YOU.

Every year I make it my business to go to Mississippi and spend time with the family for Thanksgiving. I know if you were here that's exactly where you'd be. This year was no different, we took our drive out there and had a good time too. All that was missing was you...

I made my way to visit your grave this year. I beat myself up for a whole year for not coming last time I was out there. I blamed not visiting on lack of time, but we make time for what matters and I didn't make time for you. I'm still upset with myself for that. You with that forgiving spirit probably have forgotten all about that. But, not me I always replay that day in my head wondering why I hadn't just stopped by and atleast took a look. I didn't though and I'll just have to live with it.

Most people don't understand why it's so important for me to visit Mississippi for the holidays. Being that I always hated visiting as a kid, now as an adult I don't feel obligated but, I actually want to go. It's really because when I’m there for some reason I feel closest to you. It's like a certain peace overcomes me and I know it's you. Yes we buried you there and your bones were left there, but your spirit has gone on. And because of that where ever I go you are with me. But when I’m in Tylertown I feel so close to you. Just like the two Mary's when they left that empty tomb of Jesus, I feel fear and great joy. Maybe that's why I don't visit as much as I should. Maybe that's why I long for you to come to me in a dream and haven't experienced it just yet.

Mom there's so much I want to tell you. There is so much I want to share with you. All the memories you will never be apart of with my kids upsets me . G4, your oldest grandson expressed his hurt that he'll never get to meet you. That almost took me out. I talk about you often, which I'm sure you know. I try to make sure the kids know who you are even though you are not here physically. I know they would have loved their maw maw Lisa. I see you in them in a lot of the things they do and say.

Mom I try so hard to not forget any moment we had together. In fact I get so upset when I can not remember past memories we've shared. I know that seems absurd, but I just never wanna forget! Since we can't make new ones I hold the old ones close to my heart. I guess what I'm trying to say is I MISS YOU MOM!

On November 30, 2012, my life changed forever. As I listened to my mom breathe in and out and finally take her last breath, I was forever changed. I loss my mom, my best friend, and my everything that night. In that moment all I wanted to do was bring her back, but I had to let her go. Even to this day it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I thank God for the strength He passed along to me when He released her of hers. I am grateful that my mom doesn't have to experience that awful pain of cancer, radiation or chemo anymore. As much as I want her here, I feel excitement knowing she's finally at rest. I can't call her on the phone and get my daily dose of Lisa, but I can write it out or talk to her aloud because her spirit is always near.

To anyone that has loss their mom or a loved one my heart and prayers are with you. I know how empty you feel without them. Be encouraged that even though physically you can't see them, spiritually they are near. Trust me I know how you feel. Try writing your loved one a letter or simply speaking aloud to them. This will never replace physical contact, but it does help me when I'm missing my mom. I hope that it can help you too.

What are some ways you feel connected to loved ones you've loss?