Have you ever?
Listening to Pandora the other day Brandy's song “have you ever” came on. This is one of my favorite songs so of course I was singing along. But something came over me and tears started to flow. For some reason I've been on an emotional rollercoaster this week and as I was singing the tears were of no surprise to me. I’ve been happy then all of a sudden sad. I’ve been snapping at my husband for the littlest things and I couldn't figure out why. I thought I was ok, but then it hit me as I was listening to the song. “Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry, have you ever needed something so bad you can’t sleep at night…” I'm singing and saying Yasss Brandy all at the same time. Then she does it she sings " have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there?" Omg the tears, the answers, everything came pouring out of me. Yes I close my eyes and dream that my mom was still here. EVERYDAY!
In that moment it all made sense. This ball of emotion I have been all week is because this very week 6 years ago I listened as my mom took her last breath. I remember the night almost exactly as it happened. I was doing some work for my husband then decided to go and take a shower. Once I was out of the shower I headed right back to the living room sofa to resume the work. I popped my head in on my mama as I always do. She was lying there still as she had been all week, so I figured everything was ok. Although she wasn’t moving I saw her chest motioning up and down. But suddenly something changed. Everything had changed, even the air felt different. I heard my dear mom who had been in a semi comatose state gasping for air. I immediately ran in the room where her and my maw maw were. She continued to gasp and finally took her last breath. My grandma and I looked at each other hoping one of us would say that it didn’t just happen. But it did, IT REALLY HAPPENED.
In that moment my mom was gone. I couldn't believe it, I didn’t want to believe it. I yelled, I screamed, I cried uncontrollably. My mom, who was so full of life, so out going, so full of faith took her last breath and I heard it. What am I supposed to do with this, I continued to ask God that question. "Why God, Why God, Why? I asked Him over and over and over, but in that moment I wasn't ready to hear God's answer. I just wanted my mom back. Shamefully I admit, I even silently asked God to leave her here sick if that meant I could hold on to her longer. How selfish of me? Eventually the tears ceased for a minute and I silently sat and as I held my mom’s hand. I just held her hand, I kept holding her hand until they got there to get the body. Her skin was still so soft and it's a feeling I will never forget.
Fast forward 6 years later. I am here still a little sad. A piece of my heart forever broken, but changed. I grew after losing my mom. I went from wishing I could keep a sick mom to being grateful to God for giving her peace. On November 29, 2012 I made a Facebook post asking for prayers for my mom. I continued to pray for healing and peace for her and on November 30, 2012 at 11:33 PM God answered those prayers. He took away all the sickness, all the pain and replaced it with peace. He gave my mom the peace I had been praying for. God’s peace surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7). So In that moment I didn't realize God had answered my prayers, I was so wrapped in my own selfishness that I didn't see it. Now that I am in a place where I can hear God, He told me “that night when you kept asking why, I was trying to tell you I heard you and that I gave her exactly what you asked.” Although I am left with the pain, the hurt, the sadness of losing my mom. I am so thankful she no longer suffers but she has peace. Thank You Lord! She no longer has to be in pain, she no longer has to wear a mask of strength in her weakest moments, she is totally at rest and now I know that is exactly what I asked God for. I often close my eyes and dream that she was here. Have you ever loved somebody so much it made you cry, have you ever needed something so bad you couldn't sleep at night?..... have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were here? Have you ever? Sadly I do everyday!
