Let it all work out
Lil Wayne's latest album Carter V was released a few weeks ago and it is amazing. One of my favorite songs on the album is Let it all work out, it's the last song on the album. Weezy talks about life and how we just can’t have control over everything that happens in our lives. Sometimes you just gotta let stuff work itself out. He talks about how he had to learn to let God work things out. He has a conversation with "life" and life tells him "you've known me for way too long, I’ve never changed, you know I've been this bit**." Life throws some things at us that sometimes we are not equipped to work out but there is someone who can and we have to trust that He will work it all out for us. We gotta let God control what we cannot control. Stressing over things we cannot control helps us in now way. We have to give our cares over to the Lord and let it all work out.
After listening to this song over and over and hearing Wayne ﬁnally explain what happened with the gun and him shooting himself was tough to hear. If you've been a Lil Wayne fan then you really felt it because for so long he's never talked about the incident in depth. His mom even admits that she never really knew what happened. Hearing his story made me tear up. Now knowing that he purposely caused harm to himself because he was hurting so deeply hurt me. I felt the pain in his voice still after all these years. I resonated with his pain. It's crazy to know that a person that you admire faces the same issues as you. And to think of how young he was at the time of this. Pain has no age, it affects us all at some point.
As the music plays, "Let it all work out. Let it all work out. Let it all work out. " I reﬂect on all the things I've faced and still face today. The worries I feel, the hurt I carry, the doubts and fears that are sometimes overwhelming. I could worry, but what good would that do? "Let it all work out", I hear. I love music that puts you in a mood or makes you reﬂect and vibe. Even if the thoughts that come to mind are uncomfortable. "Control the controllable Ya." I always tell myself. We gotta let God control what we cannot control and the things we have no control over, we gotta let it all work out. That's usually the plan until life hits and we act like our problems are too big for God. Like He cant ﬁx this one and then you're left letting Him work it out anyway. Ever been there?
At one point in my life I did not handle the pains of life very well. When I look back many of the problems I endured seem so minute. But at the time felt humongous. I've faced so many things and had so many pains that I got to a point where I didn’t want to live anymore. It seemed like dying would be better than having to live with the mess. Life was such a mess and I contemplated suicide so many times. I felt if I would disappear, then I wouldn't have to worry anymore or be a burden to anyone who cared for me. I remember locking myself in the bathroom of my apartment and really thinking of ways I could do it. Tears streaming and brainstorming ways to end my life. We didn’t own a gun so that way was out. Shortly after I became a cutter. I tried cutting my wrist but that didn't seem to work either. I honestly don’t think I was doing it right… One day I was so depressed and angry that I tried to throw myself out of a moving car on the Crescent City Connection bridge here in New Orleans. What’s so crazy about this is I don’t even remember why. Something back then pained me so badly that I wanted to take my life and I can not even remember the cause. Wow! So many days I've felt unworthy, unattractive and unstable. I just wanted to be done with life.
“Unworthy, Unattractive, & Unstable”
My boyfriend at time who is now my husband didn’t fully understand what I had been feeling. In fact until the day I tried to jump out of the car I don't think he knew I really wanted to die. I'm still not sure if I was that good at masking my pain or if I was just that unnoticeable. Once he knew what was really going on he tried his best to help me. He tried to force me to get help and talk to someone but I always refused. I didn’t want anyone to think I was crazy. I now wish I had taken his advice though.
As you can see I’m still here today. I thank God for giving me another chance at life. I thank Him for changing my mind and being present in the midst of my pain, even when I didn’t realize He was there. Eventually I worked through many of my issues. It took time, prayer, patience and endurance but it all worked out. I wish I would have released it sooner, but it all happened in time. These incidents caused my prayer life to grow. I found myself talking to God all the time and that really helped me. It's TRUE that God is whatever we need when we need. He sends people to us when we are in need as well. I'm forever grateful to Him for saving me especially from myself. I thank God for sending such an amazing man to help me through my mess. Because he could have left, I know it was a lot to deal with and I didn’t make it easy, but he stayed the course, never left and helped me through the mess. This assured me that he really loved me. Some people can't handle people with mental health issues, let alone help you work through them, but he didn’t run for the hills when he saw me at my lowest and I will always love him for that.
If you are going through some things and you feel like giving up on life please seek help. Giving up is not the answer. I stand here today extremely happy that I wasn’t successful at my attempts. I haven't gotten life all ﬁgured out. I still face problems, trials and tribulations. I am in no way perfect but God told me to continue to hold on and have faith in Him. Faith alone is not enough though, you gotta do the work as well. You gotta know you cant do it alone. Your problems are never too big or small for God, give it all to Him and watch Him work it all out. Use wisdom and reach out for help, some things we can’t handle on our own. Nothing and I mean nothing is worth taking your life or giving up on it. The world needs you and you still have more life to conquer. Don’t give up. "Wherefore seeing we also are compassed with so great a cloud of witness, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us” - Hebrews 12:1. Continue on this race of life and watch it'll all work out. Life wont always be roses and unicorns, sometimes you might face some really hard things. Know that you are not alone. The pain you feel is normal but taking your life is not the answer. Keep going, release the pain with help and let it all work out. Lil Wayne and myself are living proof that it all works out! We have different stories but the same outcome. And your story could be the inspiration someone needs to hold on. Just remember...
"It all works out”
If you or someone you know is suicidal or in emotional distress, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Trained crisis workers are available to talk 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Your conﬁdential and toll-free call goes to the nearest crisis center in the Lifeline national network. 1-800-273-8255.